Well it sure has been a while since I've been back on here.
Where do I start? I don't even know.
Well let's just see where this takes us, shall we?
I'm recovering from anorexia/bulimia. Actually, I'm writing this so I don't go purge everything in my stomach. So far, it's a good distraction, but we'll see where it goes.
Is it sick that I miss it? The starving, the purging, the secrecy, the emptiness? I miss it so much. More than anything. But I know how awful it was. It was dreadful. I would never wish that life on anyone. I follow my friend Hannah's blog where she writes poetry, and she wrote about purging. It was just a line or two, but I still caught it. Either way, she's going down a deadly road and I am not going to just let her. I nearly killed myself multiple times because of my eating disorder. I was so ready to do it, so ready to die. She was the one who brought me back. She would stay up and talk with me and she'd help me. She's the reason I'm in recovery. But, the thing is, you don't become bulimic or anorexic by accident. You have to start it intentionally... eventually it becomes a lifestyle but before that transition it's completely voluntary. Yet... she saw what I went through. She saw my struggles and my pain and my hatred and my horrible way of living and she tried to help me. She would tell me not to. She would try to fix me. And now she's doing it herself? It hurts. After what she saw me go through, she's going to do it herself? No. That actually really hurts me. On a personal level, it feels like she's saying now, "Never mind what I said before, I lied. Starving is good. Purging is okay. Your eating disorder was actually great. It's all good, you go ahead." I'm in the process of changing my life because it was going to kill me, and you saw me at my worst, and now you just go and do it? Are you motherfucking kidding me? I actually take that so offensively. But you know what? Fine. If she won't eat, and if she'll purge, then so will I. She was my voice of reason. She was telling me not to do it. But if she's going to do it, then what's stopping me?
On a side note, me and my girlfriend Dani just got back together today. I broke up with her on Tuesday, but that was the worst mistake I could have ever made. It was two days. Two days. I cried all night the day I did it, and even into the next day. I burst into tears at my recovery facility. They had no idea what to do; it was out of no where. But it was because I missed her so much. Sure, we were still friends and all, but it wasn't the same. Anyway, last night I slept over her house. We decided to watch movies together, and we watched two in a row - The Lost Boys and Zombieland. The entire time we were sitting on the couch, she held my hand. When she took my hand, I couldn't breathe. I don't know why, I just couldn't. But I was so relieved! I was going to her house with the intention of asking her to be mine again anyway, but I wasn't sure she'd say yes. When she took my hand though, I knew it would be okay. At one point, she let go of my hand and just rested her head on my shoulder. Then she wrapped her fingers around my wrist. We stayed like that until the second movie ended. In my head, I imagined us just like that but in our own place a few years later. It'd be just us, still together after all of this time, happy, possibly married. The idea warmed my heart, and I beat myself up mentally for ever even considering letting this beautiful, amazing, wonderful girl think I didn't want to be with her. So, this morning at around 12:30, my dad was there to pick me up from her house. We'd pulled out the bed from her couch and I was still laying there as she went to the window to check if he was out there. She came back, telling me he was.
"I don't want you to leave." she'd said, laying down next to me and hugging me to her.
"I don't want to leave." I'd said back, pulling all of my courage together and kissing her shoulder. It scared me because I didn't know if she'd be okay with that since we weren't together anymore. She was fine with it. I knew it was all okay.
We just laid there for a while, quiet. I had to leave but I couldn't leave without doing what I came to do. It would kill me all day and night until I saw her again.
"Be my girlfriend again." I said. It wasn't a question. I wasn't asking. I didn't want to know if she'd want to get back together. I wanted her to know that I needed her with me. No one wants to admit that they need someone because they feel scared, maybe even powerless, but I can't deny that I can't go without this girl with me. I need her.
I don't think she even paused for a second before saying, "yes!", happily, and kissing me quickly. I made a promise to myself right then that no matter what, I am never leaving this girl ever again. I'm not going to break up with her, I will not leave her, I will not ignore her. I will be there until she wants me gone because I am a fifteen year old girl who's recovering from mental illnesses, sometimes overly emotional, and completely and undeniably in love with this wonderful girl. I am never going to ever let her think I don't want her ever again, because that is a sick and twisted lie.
