Confession #3

Confession #3--
I think I might still be in love


Which, just saying,  royally sucks. Badly. She's out of my league anyway.


So, there's this girl. Obviously, I mean, read the confession. She's sort of been on my mind for a really long time, and I thought I was able to shake the feeling, but I guess I didn't. For the sake of this post, the girl's name will be Katie. Don't know why, I just sort of picked that name off the top of my head.


So, anyway, Katie and I were really close. I could have easily classed her as one of my best friends. So, when I started liking her the summer before eighth grade, I didn't think much of it. I thought it'd pass, which, apparently, it didn't. Anyway, Katie and I met up at a party last year, and I really liked her then. I was sort of still getting used to the whole 'not straight' thing, but I wasn't freaking out about it. I've been really close to people that are gay--my uncles, like ALL of them--so, figuring out I was a little less than straight was absolutely no big deal. So, we met up and we chilled out like usual. But then she started getting really touchy-feely. I didn't mind, like I said, I liked her, but I thought she was joking. Turns out she wasn't. So later that night we were all joking around, Katie and I included, and well, lets just say one thing lead to another and suddenly she was kissing me. Like, kissing me. It was really, really hot. I loved it so much. We were pretty much making out for the next half hour or so. It was...oh my god. 


So, after that, my crush on her grew so much. I mean, why wouldn't it? She's absolutely amazing. My friend Niana--who was at the party--wont let me live it down. Truly, I don't care, it was an amazing night. I didn't really get to see Katie all that much, though. That really made me sad, because I really wanted to spend some time with her. I was hoping to ask her out--I mean, it's not like she's straight--since I thought she liked me. Then, one day, I heard she got a boyfriend named Jake. 


Heart=Broken


I was totally confused, but I was sort of expecting it. I mean, I hadn't talked to her in a while, but I guess I was still hopeful. Which was really stupid of me, I should have known better than that. I guess it wasn't wrong of me to hope, but I was so hung up on her it was scary. I thought about her all the time, and when we DID talk I'd replay the conversations in my head. It was really pathetic what kind of schoolgirl-virgin crush I had on her. And, obviously, it did nothing but get worse.


So, as time passed, the feelings for Katie I had didn't go away. Every time I saw her, or joked around with her, or really anything, I sort of fell more for her. It wasn't all that long till she was literally the only thing I thought about. And it hurt, really bad to see her with someone else. Like, he's a nice guy, I don't really know him, but I didn't like him at all. I was so jealous. I wanted to be with her. But I let it slide, because I didn't want to intrude on their relationship, I mean, how shitty of me would that be? I'm not like that. So I gritted my teeth and left her alone. Every night after for a few months I tried so hard to not think about her. I didn't even know why I was so obsessed with her, we had a thing, that was it. But I didn't want that to be it! For months I just tried to think of anything but her, anything! It was so difficult, but finally after a few months and a LOT of self-loathing, it started to work. I didn't think of her as much, and I didn't talk to her as much. It was getting better. I thought.


Recently, I started thinking about her again. I don't want to fall into the same pattern I did before--thats the last thing I want. I really want to try and like someone else, but I can't if I obsess over her again. I keep trying, but I don't want to have to feel like I did before. I liked--maybe loved--her a lot, but I hated myself for it even more. I felt like a homewrecker because she was in a relationship and obviously didn't want me. I felt really ugly and unwanted, like trash. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I don't want to feel like that again, it was almost poisonous. I just want to be friends with her, but I don't know if I can after feeling for her like that. I think I might still love her, but thats the last thing I want.