Pariah in a Band Shirt

I honestly don't know which is worse, being totally ignored or being everybody's pushover. I suppose being everyone's pushover, because when you're alone, it's just you. Nothing's there to hurt you, laugh at you, nothing but you and you're thoughts. But thoughts are hazardous too, right? It doesn't matter, both are poisonous in their own respect. I hate being pushed around, I hate that, for some reason, there's something about me that makes no one want to give me a chance. Ever. Which I guess wouldn't be so bad if that person who SHOULD be giving me a chance actually fucking knew me, but no, the people who've decided I'm just another source of amusement are the fucking douche-bags I have to see at work. They work with me and every day, without fail, I'm ridiculed, teased, or shunned in some way. It's exactly like a school clique, and I'm the bitch in the back corner of the class that no one wants to talk to because she wears a Misfits teeshirt and is into dark clothing. It's exactly like that. And this has been going on for the past seven weeks. Fuck. My. Life.


Today I actually broke down on my best friend's shoulder. In the middle of EVERYONE because I just couldn't fucking take it anymore. How fucking weak is that? Like, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Hannah to death, but still, that must have been so awkward. And before I cried on her shoulder, I had to leave the group I work with and go to the nurse because I didn't want to cry in front of them. I took some Tylenol because usually that numbs me down, but no, of course that didn't work today. And then on the way back, because I fucking had to go back, my brother saw me walking and saw I was upset. He pulled me aside and actually let me cry to him what was wrong, and, by God, he actually hugged me. There are moments that I adore my brother. And then I got home and my mom and I had a heart-to-heart about it and I cried to her too. My eyes are hurting from all of it, this can't be healthy. Anyway, I just feel bad for imposing on everyone like I did, I don't have the right to make them listen to me complain. It's not their fault I couldn't handle all of it, I should have been able to. I should have kept to myself, and I feel horrible for making them feel bad for me. Either way, I am so not looking forward to work on Monday...